Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Entry 8: Hijacking is Fun. Hate Tells Are More Fun.

You know what I've discovered? It's nice finding out you have fans, but not so nice when your fans are addicted to the retarded shit that comes out of your brain. But moving right along. I've changed the title thingy of the entries to "Entry X" instead of "Day X" since we all know I'm not updating daily. But enough blathering! On with the fun blathering!

I'm a hijacker! Not in the "I stole someone's ship" sense (although that sounds like a lot of fun). More in the "Your cargo is now mine" sense. And the best part is that I also got my first hate tell! I'm TINGLY over here!

So there I was, bumming around the system. I warp into a belt and notice a can that's marked with a time stamp. A very recent time stamp, to boot. "Ah ha!" I cackle to myself madly (can you think of another way to cackle to yourself?) "Looks like a miner has gone to get his hauler!!" Sure enough, a few seconds later, a Badger II heaved itself into the belt.

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Damn!! I was hoping he'd be able to warp in closer to his can! Even so, I was able to pounce on him quickly enough. Unfortunately, he was stabbed up to his eyeballs, and he was able to make his escape. However, when I looked into the can he'd left behind, I found a good 2.5 million in rocky loot. Time to call in reinforcements.


"Are you going to help me clean the kitchen?"


Anyway, after some bad noise, My Lovely Assistant started making her way to the system in question. Meanwhile, my new friend asked if he could grab his ore without getting shot to hell. My ore now, bitch! Although I did offer to sell it to him for a very reasonable price. I also implied that I would destroy the can if my demands weren't met. He more or less refused, and then started chatting me up in local, telling me how bored he was and how nice it was to have someone to talk to. Alarm bells started sounding in my head. I mean, I know that miners get a little funny in the head sometimes, but ...

Fortunately, the light of my life wasted no time sliding up and snagging all that lovely ore. (By "wasted no time," I don't mean, "threatened to cancel both of our accounts." That came later.) she was even clever enough to make the mark believe that she was just passing through the system. Her semi-panicky "Pirate?! Oh fuck!" was just perfect. Anyway, just as we about to jump out of the system, the number of local pilots took a significant jump. The cavalry has arrived. They must've come through another gate, however, because we were able to make it out of the system and to the local market hub without a hitch.

As we were sitting in the station, frolicking in piles of newly refined minerals, my Caldari Issue Comm Thingy (CITC) started beeping. Hello, my benefactor.

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Awww, his poor can. He really thought that I'd blow up such a valuable source of iskies. But now that he knew the truth ...

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The "shit of eve"? I thought PIRATES were the ... oh ... wait. But then, the real (corn) nugget of wisdom!!

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The best part about this statement is that he says this as I'm reading everything he types to a gorgeous woman who thinks the sun rises in my pants, while we both laugh cruel, cruel laughter.

Since I'd just made a decent profit, and I'm feeling philosphical, I try to calm his raging heart.

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However, my attempts at Zenning him out fall somewhat short of the mark.

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And then, the inevitable threat.

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Then he tried to play off how small the loss was to him. "It only took me half an hour to mine it, anway." That's cool. It only took me five minutes to steal it. Who's more efficient now, my good man?

Oh, and because this whole situation isn't funny enough ... take a look at this choice tidbit from his bio ...

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Note the blood-red typeface for emphasis. Apparently, it's only okay to be a hijacker if it makes a poor Chinese man lose his job. Remind me to petition CCP for all the Security Status hits I took for harassing koopl and friends.

As I shook my head over this contradiction, my CITC started beeping again. Remind me to set my Comm Fee Thingy (CFT) to elventy-two billion ISK.

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I'm with you on this one. I was totally expecting more scat-themed threats. But no, this guy wanted to commend me for my clever scheme of ransoming a jet can. Seriously, if I'm the first person to think of that, the Eve piracy community isn't nearly as sharp as I thought.

Of course, this was all a clever ruse. "Want to gang up and kill some rats?" Ah ha! Admiral Ackbar once again sang a song for me. Remember, kids. Paranoid people are harder to kill. Stupid people are not.

Anyway, if you're still reading this (you poor doomed fool), look for two (TWO? YES, TWO!!) updates sometime tomorrow. Or maybe one really long update. No promises.

Ending balance: 1,908,000,000
Victims: 0 (but only if you count kills)
Security Status: -0.5

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Day 5: Azn Extravaganza!!!

(Note: I'm way behind on my updates. I actually have a lot of content to bang out, though. In the mean time, I'm posting from work and all of my pictures are at home. I'll post more when I get a chance. You'll survive.)

Woo, what a fun day (of course, by "day," I mean whatever time period I cover in an entry)!! Remember koopl and his pals? One Hoarder and 3-6 Navitases (Navitae? Navitum?)? Well, I caught them molesting rocks again. And I learned something. I was certain that all of those pilots were really controlled by one person, running a bunch of trial-period alts to satisfy his demented lust (in the BAD way) for ore. But ... surprise! They're not!

They are actually dedicated, hardworking, salt of the earth ISK Asian farmer monkeys. And not the kind that makes loads of ISK and sells it so they can feed their families, either. They're the kind that constantly gets splattered across random systems by everyone who shows up with any excuse for weapons and the ability to fire them. The kind that would probably make 50 times what they currently make if they lived in .5 or higher. The kind whose children will inevitably starve to death because Papa can't keep an eye on Local. I'd almost feel sorry for them if it wasn't so much fun popping their ships.

My lovely assistant and I have caught up with them a couple of times since my last blog entry (usually settling for blasting koopl's Hoarder, since killing that ship puts them out of action for up to an hour.) I don't make much money off them (a Miner II or three is usually the best thing I can find), especially since I religiously destroy any ore they've collected (do I really need to say three Hail Marys before popping a jet can, or can I get by with an occasional "Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna"?).

Anyway, my latest encounter with "Koopl and the Gang" (OMGMotown reference!!) was the most amusing to date. I started easily enough: I harried them to no end, destroying several vessels and cargo cans. But during the exchange of hostilities, the Gang started talking in Local. At first, it was a simple, "No" from koopl, which I presume was in response to the imminent destruction of his Hoarder (again). I answered their conversational foray with, "Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes." Then the others started chiming in ... in Chinese.

Oh noes! My original suspicion was right after all!!! Finally, one of them (zxhjzklxjz or some such nonsense) said ... something. Hell, I don't know. It was such a mangled attempt at English that my mind was unable to retain it, but it was something along the lines of "why beat on the door to fortune when the door could swing both ways?" Only it wasn't that well said. However, I definitely got the idea that they were trying to pay me off.

At this point, I decided that maybe some negotiation was in order. At first, I demanded a tribute of five million ISK. In exchange, I would stop harassing them mercilessly (although I had already made a mental note to pass on their names and locations to others who would also harass them mercilessly.)

Unfortunately, they were unable to afford such a princely (or at least, dukely) sum. Instead, they offered me two million. AND they wanted me to help them! ME ... HELP THEM!!

"Help? What kind of help?"

"help wit pirat. he kil ships"

So I responded as any true pirate should. "If you don't give me my money, you wastes of bandwidth are going to have two pirates to worry about!!"

Bear in mind that this conversation took place over 10 very painful minutes (I was waiting for my Criminal Countdown to run down) and posting the direct transcript of the conversation has been banned under the Yulai Conventions. Kind of like haiku, only haiku doesn't make blood shoot out of your ears because your brain cells are trying vainly to escape your head.

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no look at locl
pirat kil our conveyance
my childrn wil starv

And hey! What other pirates could they be talking about anyway? There was no one else in local. (There was one guy who caught some of the conversation. He asked "Are you charging a toll? How much do I have to pay?" "Nah, you're good. I'm extorting the AZNS." "Okay, cool.")

Are they having trouble moving the new Hoarder into the system? Hell, why bother? I'm just going to blow it up again. It would be faster and more interesting if they just flew it into the sun.

And then ... the denouement. (Look it up, dammit.)

"he bad pirat. he destroy our conveyance ship also our miners"

Conveya-wait, cargo? He destroyed their cargo ship? And their ... I'll be damned ... they're talking about ME!!

You heard right. These poor dumb bastards wanted to hire me to hunt down and kill myself. For this, they were willing to pay the squirely sum of two million ISK.

I almost agreed, too. Something along the lines of, "If you pay me, I guarantee he'll leave the system." But instead, I went with, "You doofy bastage!! *I* did all those things!!! I *AM* the pirate!!"

Silence. Not a word. I guess I'm not their friend anymore.

Oh well. Hunting these guys to extinction is worth far more than two million ISK. Hell, I was only willing to take that much because I wanted to say that I'd done it.


In other news, I've gone yellow. Negative security standings for the win. Arrrrr.

Ending balance: 1,905,400,000
Victims: 5
Security Status: -0.5

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Day 4: My Lovely Assistant

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She's even hotter in real life.
No, you can't have "hawt cam pix."
Stop asking. Perv.

As I've mentioned previously, my fiance also plays Eve. This is because she is made of pure awesome. Originally, I tried to get her interested in watching me play, or at least not actively opposed to being in the same room with me while I was playing. I had just begun to despair when she asked, "So how do *I* create a character?" If I hadn't already been in love with her, that would have done it.

At first, she joined Eve University, just like me. And when I decided to embark on my life of crime, she came with me. She doesn't play as much as I do, and she only plays when I'm playing, so her combat experience is pretty limited. Which is to say that it's limited to the two of us sparring against each other or her getting blown up by other players. Or rats. Or gate guns. Or asteroids (and rats). Yes, dear reader. My girlfriend is a noob. But hey, nobody takes over the universe the day they leave the clone vats, right?

I've been more or less managing her skill progression, and we're just now getting past her Learning skills. She has adequate ship skills right now, but she hasn't had enough play time to really get a feel for ship-to-ship combat. (But that hasn't kept her from almost killing me a few times during our little sparring matches. In other news, I have officially given up on trying to kill battleships with an interceptor.)

So to help her train, I bought her 10 Rifters and enough gear to kit them all out for tackling. I think I'm going to send her out to low sector space with orders to attack ANYONE she sees. I figure that, after she burns through all of the Rifters, she might have an idea or two about PvPing. And if not ... well, she can always be a 5-second meatshield. I have to admit that most of the time, flying around with my hot little wingwoman is a ball, even if we can't find anyone worth killing. Hell, sometimes I'm just glad that she doesn't make me quit playing entirely. Other times, I just want to pod her.

Did I say that out loud?

Anyway, I'm trying to help her break her "pirate cherry" now. Twice, I've offered her the kill on (noob) victims I've scrambled and webbed, but she's demured both times. Maybe I should start screaming "OH, JESUS!! HE HAS ME!!! HELP!! HEEEEELP!!!" and just hope that she doesn't think to question how a Navitas with 2 civilian mining lasers could be a threat to a Hawk. It could happen.


But don't think I sat in the station all day and cavorted with the star of Sebiestor Sorority Sex-Slaves 7! (That only took about half the day.) I did squeeze in time to kill a couple of noobs today. Remember koopl? Well, he's still out there with a half-dozen or so trial alts mining for all they're worth. He's learned to keep his industrial away from the belt until his alt-drones have enough cargo to make it worth his while, but that doesn't stop me from killing the alts that I can catch, scattering the rest like geese and destroying his cargo containers. One of them had a Miner II, but there wasn't much real profit today. I'm still scouting the area and getting a feel for the different systems in my hunting range.

I'm gonna go camping* this weekend. Yes, I know that there are bears in the woods. I'll probably survive. I'll get back to the killin' after the weekend.

Ending balance: 1,919,600,000
Victims: 2
Security Status: 0.1

*not gate camping.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Day 3: A Ransom Attempt Goes Wrong ... Luckily

Okay, I have a hard-on for my first successful ransom. I'm more than happy to let some poor tard go with a token ransom, just so I can say that I finally got someone to give me money for NOT hurting him. So when I found an Osprey out ratting, I thought, "Jackpot, Baby!!" And I was right, but not in the way that I expected.

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I performed the standard "Swoop, Lock and Jam," pumped a few rounds through him to let him know how quickly I could eat his lunch and opened up a convo.

"I'm sure we can come to an arrangement here," I say, because I think I'm suave.

"ok," he replied tersely.

"Two million sound about right?"


ECK-sellent, I think to myself. I've waited so long for this.

But right then, his drones finish off the last rat. The next thing I know, they're on my ass like drunken frat boys on a fat chick. And even though I was able to destroy his ship quite quickly, his rats put quite a dent into my ship. But since I was the only one left in the system now, I was about to take my time rooting through his cargo hold. A few decent items were to be had, but then I heard a "ding". Right then, I saw the following:

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Best sell price on the market: 28.5 million ISK. Screw ransoms, I thought. This is OMGPHATLEWT.

Looking over my victim's info panel, I realize something. He wasn't just some noob ratting where he had no business. He's actually got his own corporation. I have officially bagged my first CEO!

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Okay, so there are only five people in his corp and he's probably three of them. I just MIGHT have people who are holding a grudge against me. Yarrr!

I did get one more kill today, but the other one was just another 18 day old noob in a Navitas. There was nothing noteworthy about the kill except that I brought my lovely assistant along and, although I offered her the kill, she decided that she wasn't quite ready to break her pirate cherry. Another time, then. Anyway, my victim (whose name escapes me) whined in local, promised to get revenge and then left to write bad goth poetry.

Ending Balance: 1,919,000,000
Victims: 2
Security Status: 0.6

Day 2 - Celebrity, Setbacks and OMGAZNS!

Before I begin this day's journal, I'd just like to announce that I appear to be famous. Well, semi-famous. Kind of like that one guy from Survivor. You know, the second one to get voted off. YOU KNOW, the one with the face and the thing. Anyway, you'd recognize him if you met him. Anyway, I'm like that guy now. People say, "Hey, did you really make 2 billion ISK in Eve University?" Yes, yes I did.

Remember Leikeze? He tells me, "Hey, you wrote about me in your blog?" Hooray, you're almost as famous as me now. You're like the brother of the second guy who got voted off the island. Now you can do an infomercial.

Sometimes people (and there's a word for these people that starts with an 'N' and rhymes with 'goob') say, "Are you out here pirating?" Nope. Go about your business.

I can't even buy ammunition without the guy who sold it to me saying, "Hey, I just read your blog." Sweet, gimme a discount next time.

Anyway, time to get over myself for long enough to chronicle my harrowing adventures. And today's adventures WERE harrowing. I lost my first ship. Yes, my favorite interceptor, "They Also Are Flesh" was destroyed by rats, working in conjunction with my internet service provider. I was only offline for about 2 minutes, but it was two minutes too long for my baby.

The good news is that a) there was a station in the system, so I could dock and get myself a noobship and b) only one very minor module and a little bit of ammo was destroyed in the explosion. But it forced me to spend more money. First, I had to replace the ship I lost. Then, I bought another Crow for good measure (the prices just couldn't be beat). And to make sure I wouldn't have to creep up on the gate in an Ibis anymore, I also dropped the cash for the Placid bookmarks.

But that isn't to say that I didn't have a bit of fun. As you'll note from my greatly diminished Security Status, I got my very first podkill. I know, I said I wouldn't do that, but I feel justified. Lookit him. Someone needs more fiber in his diet.

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Hey, I TRIED to ransom the guy, but he didn't have anything ... at least, I assume he didn't have anything, because his name was "koopl" and he was flying a Hoarder working with guys flying noobships, mining for all that they were worth:

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OMGAZNS!! You'll note that koopl isn't in local anymore. That's because his frozen corpse was tucked into a corner of my cargo hold. I think I'll have him stuffed.

Anyway, I don't know if they're Chinese ISK farmers or if someone with a bunch of processor power is trying to get over on the system without risking his own character. I don't like it, and so I did something about it. Destroying a few thousand units of ore just wasn't enough. He just had to die. Plus, unless this guy thought to put his industrial character's clone nearby, he's going to have a long hump from Minmatar space. So yeah, a good time was had by all. And by all, I mean me.

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We come in peace, shoot to kill.

UPDATE: And SPEAKING of Asians, it looks like Goonswarm is having a ball. They've created what I'm sure they're referring to as "Gookswarm": A horde of new characters, all named "VCBeeXXX" where XXX is a random number. These guys, I'll be leaving alone ... mostly because I kind of like Goonswarm. They're playing Eve in their own way, and it's pissing off all of the established alliances in a big way. You gotta dig that.

Apparently, Goonswarm has declared war on all of the big local alliances. The best outcome I can see for this would be for the Goons to lose all of their territory. Then they'd decide that they don't NEED territory, and they'd just swarm all over other people's sovereign space until their enemies get sick of being pestered 23/7 and the alliance falls apart. Chaos for the win!!

Ending balance: 1,894,000,000
Victim: 1 (plus pod)
Security Status: 0.9