Entry 8: Hijacking is Fun. Hate Tells Are More Fun.
I'm a hijacker! Not in the "I stole someone's ship" sense (although that sounds like a lot of fun). More in the "Your cargo is now mine" sense. And the best part is that I also got my first hate tell! I'm TINGLY over here!
So there I was, bumming around the system. I warp into a belt and notice a can that's marked with a time stamp. A very recent time stamp, to boot. "Ah ha!" I cackle to myself madly (can you think of another way to cackle to yourself?) "Looks like a miner has gone to get his hauler!!" Sure enough, a few seconds later, a Badger II heaved itself into the belt.
Damn!! I was hoping he'd be able to warp in closer to his can! Even so, I was able to pounce on him quickly enough. Unfortunately, he was stabbed up to his eyeballs, and he was able to make his escape. However, when I looked into the can he'd left behind, I found a good 2.5 million in rocky loot. Time to call in reinforcements.
"HONEY!!! GET YOUR MAMMOTH!!!"
"Are you going to help me clean the kitchen?"
"GODDAMMIT, WOMAN?! DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF?!?"
Anyway, after some bad noise, My Lovely Assistant started making her way to the system in question. Meanwhile, my new friend asked if he could grab his ore without getting shot to hell. My ore now, bitch! Although I did offer to sell it to him for a very reasonable price. I also implied that I would destroy the can if my demands weren't met. He more or less refused, and then started chatting me up in local, telling me how bored he was and how nice it was to have someone to talk to. Alarm bells started sounding in my head. I mean, I know that miners get a little funny in the head sometimes, but ...
Fortunately, the light of my life wasted no time sliding up and snagging all that lovely ore. (By "wasted no time," I don't mean, "threatened to cancel both of our accounts." That came later.) she was even clever enough to make the mark believe that she was just passing through the system. Her semi-panicky "Pirate?! Oh fuck!" was just perfect. Anyway, just as we about to jump out of the system, the number of local pilots took a significant jump. The cavalry has arrived. They must've come through another gate, however, because we were able to make it out of the system and to the local market hub without a hitch.
As we were sitting in the station, frolicking in piles of newly refined minerals, my Caldari Issue Comm Thingy (CITC) started beeping. Hello, my benefactor.
Awww, his poor can. He really thought that I'd blow up such a valuable source of iskies. But now that he knew the truth ...
The "shit of eve"? I thought PIRATES were the ... oh ... wait. But then, the real (corn) nugget of wisdom!!
The best part about this statement is that he says this as I'm reading everything he types to a gorgeous woman who thinks the sun rises in my pants, while we both laugh cruel, cruel laughter.
Since I'd just made a decent profit, and I'm feeling philosphical, I try to calm his raging heart.
However, my attempts at Zenning him out fall somewhat short of the mark.
And then, the inevitable threat.
Then he tried to play off how small the loss was to him. "It only took me half an hour to mine it, anway." That's cool. It only took me five minutes to steal it. Who's more efficient now, my good man?
Oh, and because this whole situation isn't funny enough ... take a look at this choice tidbit from his bio ...
Note the blood-red typeface for emphasis. Apparently, it's only okay to be a hijacker if it makes a poor Chinese man lose his job. Remind me to petition CCP for all the Security Status hits I took for harassing koopl and friends.
As I shook my head over this contradiction, my CITC started beeping again. Remind me to set my Comm Fee Thingy (CFT) to elventy-two billion ISK.
I'm with you on this one. I was totally expecting more scat-themed threats. But no, this guy wanted to commend me for my clever scheme of ransoming a jet can. Seriously, if I'm the first person to think of that, the Eve piracy community isn't nearly as sharp as I thought.
Of course, this was all a clever ruse. "Want to gang up and kill some rats?" Ah ha! Admiral Ackbar once again sang a song for me. Remember, kids. Paranoid people are harder to kill. Stupid people are not.
Anyway, if you're still reading this (you poor doomed fool), look for two (TWO? YES, TWO!!) updates sometime tomorrow. Or maybe one really long update. No promises.
Ending balance: 1,908,000,000
Victims: 0 (but only if you count kills)
Security Status: -0.5