Sunday, July 30, 2006

Day 1: Piracy, Porn and Pew-Pew

Oh, happy weekend. It's time for me to be as free as a bird. A bird who spews rockets, blaster rounds and despair.

But my lovely assistant isn't feeling well. Okay, that'll cut into the old playing time.

Eventually, however, I did get a bit of piracy in. Here's how it went.

I departed my home station in my Crow-class interceptor (Name: They Also Are Flesh) and wandered through a few low-security systems nearby. At first, it was nearly impossible to find anyone worth killing. Which is to say, I couldn't find anyone at all.

But patience paid off. Warping into a belt, who do I find but my first victim!

This poor guy was a wreck: A Civire mining in a Probe in Gallente space. Do you have any idea how twisted you have to be for the School of Applied Knowledge to transfer you to their Gallente campus? If this guy wasn't caught humping the Dean of Admission's son ... actually, I'm pretty sure I don't want to know to know the whole story here.

Anyway, in my excitement, I MWD in and warp jam young Rudi B. I open up a private convo and proudly scream, "GIVE ME YOUR LUNCH MONEY!!" (You have no idea how long I'd been waiting to say that and mean it).

I wait patiently. I'm sure he's just trying to process my request through a haze of Blue Pill and Minmatar fetish porn.

And then I wait some more. After a while, I stopped waiting (besides, what is he going to give me? A half-eaten stripper and a home tattoo kit?) and I blow his ship. Bizarrely, he doesn't stop mining the whole time. At first, I thought that he was AFK, but then I remembered that he ACCEPTED my request for a private chat. Clearly, not the most cunning of foes.

Sorting through the trash that he considered cargo, I found an even more puzzling array of loot. Apparently, Rudi was not only a Caldari who hung around Gallente space in a Minmatar ship. He was also fond of Amarr energy weapons. Truly, I had stumbled upon a cosmopolitan soul. As I scratched my head, I grabbed a frequency crystal as a memento and moved on.

After a break in the station, I go out looking again. Amazingly, Rudi is back at it. This time, he's in his freebie Ibis. Once again, the fact that blaster rounds are bouncing off his hull fails to distract him from Barely Legal Brutor Babes 5. However, before I can make the kill, a new player arrives on the stage.

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Yeah, my former carebear instincts kicked in when I saw the flashing red bar. Besides, I'm not feeling badass enough to fight this guy to decide who gets to kill Rudi the Drug-crazed Porn Junkie. "He's all yours," I say as I fire up my engines. Moments later, I recieve confirmation that Rudi has gone to the big clone vat in the sky. As I settle into my safespot, I look more closely at Leikeze's info panel. "Uber carebear"? Clearly, he and I have radically different definitions of "carebear".

Actually, Leikeze appeared to be a pretty okay guy. He and I swapped ideas for a little while. He even invited me to come to a planet so we could tear into each other. However, I'm out here to make a profit, not to put notches in my belt.

After another break and a bit more hunting, I came across Contestant #2:

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Look at that beautiful new Retriever. Mining barges are definitely the fat, juicy plums of piracy. Expensive ship, expensive modules and it's made of beer cans. This is going to be good.

Once again, I lock him down, open up a private convo and state my demands. Once again ... no response. Does EVERYBODY go retarded when they turn their mining lasers on? Oh well, time to shoot some beer cans.

It as then that I realized that something was wrong. My rockets weren't ... rocketing. They were just hanging in space, not moving from the place they were fired. The only weapon that was doing any damage was my blaster. Serves me right for buying discount rockets from that shifty Intaki gun runner.

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Fortunately, my blaster was enough, and Rrenton's flying golden scrap pile became a non-flying scrap pile. Better yet, I finally had my first piece of pirate treasure.

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I wasn't even bothered by the fact that the other strip miner and 2 named cargo expanders were destroyed. I was doubly amused when Rrenton finally decided to respond to my convo request.

"What goes around comes around," he warned me darkly
"Hey, want to buy a slightly used Strip Miner?"

He didn't.

Ending Balance: 1,952,201,000
Victims: 2
Security Status: 2.9

Billionaire Buccaneer: Day 0

My preparations were fairly simple and boring. I had to do the following:

1. Find a place to set up shop.
2. Move all my assorted gear out to my new home.
3. Set a clone and move jump clones to my new HQ.
4. Leave Eve University for good. (Technically, for evil.)
5. Purchase bookmarks and the equipment necessary to engage in a life of piracy.

Day 0 went pretty slowly. Originally, moving to the Derelik region sounded good. I liked the idea of sticking it to those slaves down in Ammatar space, and my fiance (a Minmatar, whom I refer to as my lovely assistant) liked the idea of killing slavers and those who give them aid and comfort. But things seemed a bit too quiet there for my tastes, so I skipped over to the Placid region and checked things out there. Suffice it to say, I liked what I saw: Lots of systems 0.4 and below, in between noobspace and 0.0 ... Yes, this will do nicely.

After repeated attempts, I discovered that most freighter pilots come in two varieties: Greedy as a loan shark with a gambling problem, or as untrustworthy as a car salesman who owns the loan shark money. But hey, I thought. I'm rich. So I figured, if I'm going to pay a lot, I may as well pay a lot to someone I know won't take all of my ships, sell them, and spend the money on Mindflood, lapdances from my mother and protein delicacies. And that's what I did. No, not the lapdance thing.

Then, I just had to purchase and install bookmarks. I won't even go into this. Suffice it to say that when I had finally finished copying over a thousand bookmarks, leaving the station for the first time was as pleasurable as taking a dump while getting a massage from a puppy AND smoking the first cigarette of the day. I really wanted to go looking for trouble, but I was tired and I needed to take a dump. So on that note, I ended.

Starting Balance: 2,000,000,000 ISK
Ending Balance: 1,949,500,000 ISK
Kills: 0
Security Status: 3.7

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Billionaire Buccaneer: The Idea

When I started playing Eve, I immediately realized that it was a game of patience. You couldn't just show up and start kicking ass out of the gate. You had to WAIT. You had to PREPARE. And I was willing to do just that. And I did just that. After a bit of foundering around, I joined the prestigious Eve University to learn the ins and outs of pod piloting.

The best part about Eve University (aside from the excellent classes available) was 0.0 access. Of course, Eve University was allied with The Big Blue, which was already in the habit of providing 0.0 access to just about everyone, but being a student of E-UNI gave you access to a members-only system as well.

So, in between classes (which don't really take up a lot of my time), I would basically be a big giant carebear. I mined crokite until I earned my first Raven class battleship, and then I used that to rat and rat and rat. And rat. AND RAT. I also mined occasionally and even dabbled in manufacturing a bit. Now, it's not like I NEVER saw combat, but it was always something that cost money, even if I was on the winning side.

Anyway, after months of hardcore carebearage, I found that I had not one, but two billion ISK in the bank. Of course, most of that money came from lucky spawns here and there, but for someone with no interest in the T2 market or faction modules, it sure looked like a fortune.

But what to do? I perused the forums for ideas. I could metaphorically roll around naked in piles of ISK like a perverted Scrooge McDuck! Or I could build a POS and call it "Devilish Ledoux's House of Myriad Sweaty Distractions". I could corner the market on Exotic Dancers (which would tie in nicely with the POS idea). I could hire a herald to follow me around, singing my praises in local.

Looking at my bank account, two things crossed my mind. The first was that I didn't need to keep ratting anymore. The second was that ... I wanted to go kill someone.

Sure, I could afford to go crazy with the PvP. I could throw ships away like candy ... but I didn't want to just piss all my money away. No. I wanted to make money doing the only thing I have never been able to make money doing: Blowing up other people's ships. That's right. I wanted to be a pirate.

So I decided to see how long it would take me to make pirating profitable. I'd start with exactly 2 billion ISK. I would, of course, need to spend some money up front to establish myself as a pirate. Then, once the initial investment is made, I would track my daily progress. I would continue doing so until my bank balance returned to 2 billion ISK.

#1 The only money I can make will be from piracy. Ransoms, bounties, and the sale of plunder are the only allowable forms of income. Any money recieved from other source will be immediately transferred to my lovely assistant (my fiance, who also plays Eve).

#2 No podkilling, unless it's in the course of a ransom attempt. I will not podkill anyone unless they refuse to pay a ransom. I'm doing this for the money, not just to piss in people's Cheerios.

#3 While temporarily ganging up with other pirates will be allowed, I will not join any corporations (pirate or otherwise) until my goal has been reached, or until it becomes obvious that I cannot achieve the goal.

#4 No pirating my former classmates in Eve University. Even though it would be easy ;)

So here I go. If you're really really bored, feel free to follow me on my piratey adventures.

And no, you can't have a loan.