Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Day 5: Azn Extravaganza!!!

(Note: I'm way behind on my updates. I actually have a lot of content to bang out, though. In the mean time, I'm posting from work and all of my pictures are at home. I'll post more when I get a chance. You'll survive.)

Woo, what a fun day (of course, by "day," I mean whatever time period I cover in an entry)!! Remember koopl and his pals? One Hoarder and 3-6 Navitases (Navitae? Navitum?)? Well, I caught them molesting rocks again. And I learned something. I was certain that all of those pilots were really controlled by one person, running a bunch of trial-period alts to satisfy his demented lust (in the BAD way) for ore. But ... surprise! They're not!

They are actually dedicated, hardworking, salt of the earth ISK Asian farmer monkeys. And not the kind that makes loads of ISK and sells it so they can feed their families, either. They're the kind that constantly gets splattered across random systems by everyone who shows up with any excuse for weapons and the ability to fire them. The kind that would probably make 50 times what they currently make if they lived in .5 or higher. The kind whose children will inevitably starve to death because Papa can't keep an eye on Local. I'd almost feel sorry for them if it wasn't so much fun popping their ships.

My lovely assistant and I have caught up with them a couple of times since my last blog entry (usually settling for blasting koopl's Hoarder, since killing that ship puts them out of action for up to an hour.) I don't make much money off them (a Miner II or three is usually the best thing I can find), especially since I religiously destroy any ore they've collected (do I really need to say three Hail Marys before popping a jet can, or can I get by with an occasional "Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna"?).

Anyway, my latest encounter with "Koopl and the Gang" (OMGMotown reference!!) was the most amusing to date. I started easily enough: I harried them to no end, destroying several vessels and cargo cans. But during the exchange of hostilities, the Gang started talking in Local. At first, it was a simple, "No" from koopl, which I presume was in response to the imminent destruction of his Hoarder (again). I answered their conversational foray with, "Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes." Then the others started chiming in ... in Chinese.

Oh noes! My original suspicion was right after all!!! Finally, one of them (zxhjzklxjz or some such nonsense) said ... something. Hell, I don't know. It was such a mangled attempt at English that my mind was unable to retain it, but it was something along the lines of "why beat on the door to fortune when the door could swing both ways?" Only it wasn't that well said. However, I definitely got the idea that they were trying to pay me off.

At this point, I decided that maybe some negotiation was in order. At first, I demanded a tribute of five million ISK. In exchange, I would stop harassing them mercilessly (although I had already made a mental note to pass on their names and locations to others who would also harass them mercilessly.)

Unfortunately, they were unable to afford such a princely (or at least, dukely) sum. Instead, they offered me two million. AND they wanted me to help them! ME ... HELP THEM!!

"Help? What kind of help?"

"help wit pirat. he kil ships"

So I responded as any true pirate should. "If you don't give me my money, you wastes of bandwidth are going to have two pirates to worry about!!"

Bear in mind that this conversation took place over 10 very painful minutes (I was waiting for my Criminal Countdown to run down) and posting the direct transcript of the conversation has been banned under the Yulai Conventions. Kind of like haiku, only haiku doesn't make blood shoot out of your ears because your brain cells are trying vainly to escape your head.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
no look at locl
pirat kil our conveyance
my childrn wil starv

And hey! What other pirates could they be talking about anyway? There was no one else in local. (There was one guy who caught some of the conversation. He asked "Are you charging a toll? How much do I have to pay?" "Nah, you're good. I'm extorting the AZNS." "Okay, cool.")

Are they having trouble moving the new Hoarder into the system? Hell, why bother? I'm just going to blow it up again. It would be faster and more interesting if they just flew it into the sun.

And then ... the denouement. (Look it up, dammit.)

"he bad pirat. he destroy our conveyance ship also our miners"

Conveya-wait, cargo? He destroyed their cargo ship? And their ... I'll be damned ... they're talking about ME!!

You heard right. These poor dumb bastards wanted to hire me to hunt down and kill myself. For this, they were willing to pay the squirely sum of two million ISK.

I almost agreed, too. Something along the lines of, "If you pay me, I guarantee he'll leave the system." But instead, I went with, "You doofy bastage!! *I* did all those things!!! I *AM* the pirate!!"

Silence. Not a word. I guess I'm not their friend anymore.

Oh well. Hunting these guys to extinction is worth far more than two million ISK. Hell, I was only willing to take that much because I wanted to say that I'd done it.


In other news, I've gone yellow. Negative security standings for the win. Arrrrr.

Ending balance: 1,905,400,000
Victims: 5
Security Status: -0.5


Anonymous Romble said...

Devilish, your writing style is great and so entertaining...Are you an author in real life?!@#

6:18 AM  
Anonymous Lucas Malbranque said...

Sounds like you're having a real blast! This makes excellent reading, please continue the good work..

11:41 PM  
Anonymous Jehovah Cooper said...

He is probably a pirate in real life too.

11:49 PM  
Anonymous cherybol said...

As a kid, i often resorted to piracy to fund my needs and wants.

Just made a homemade bazooka, went up on a hill. And then proceeded to blow up and passing by cars. Then me an friends would run down, and loot anything of worth. And sell it at a pawn shop.

Made good cash.

10:18 PM  
Anonymous Ninon Lanclos said...

Just found your blog... well-written, interesting and entertaining. Keep up the good work!

And this Koopl guy just looks a typical victim character in a Jackie Chan movie...

8:09 AM  
Anonymous Ashar Kor-Azor said...

As a fellow eve player who tolerates a sporting pirate with any respectable amount of wit, I commend you. Please continue the beatdown. May the ISK farmers be replaced by a worthy opponent who will understand your taunts.

5:26 PM  
Blogger Rainheart said...

OMG, that's classic.

3:30 PM  
Anonymous Gwarnina said...

Get off your arse Devilish and write us some more great stories! This even beats the noob in 0.0 blog, which is pretty damn hard to do in my book.

12:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wtf? Am i the only one that thinks his writing style is crap and doesnt compare anything close to the writings of the 0.0 experiment?

Oh and.. Racist Cunt

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