Day 1: Piracy, Porn and Pew-Pew

Oh, happy weekend. It's time for me to be as free as a bird. A bird who spews rockets, blaster rounds and despair.

But my lovely assistant isn't feeling well. Okay, that'll cut into the old playing time.

Eventually, however, I did get a bit of piracy in. Here's how it went.

I departed my home station in my Crow-class interceptor (Name: They Also Are Flesh) and wandered through a few low-security systems nearby. At first, it was nearly impossible to find anyone worth killing. Which is to say, I couldn't find anyone at all.

But patience paid off. Warping into a belt, who do I find but my first victim!



This poor guy was a wreck: A Civire mining in a Probe in Gallente space. Do you have any idea how twisted you have to be for the School of Applied Knowledge to transfer you to their Gallente campus? If this guy wasn't caught humping the Dean of Admission's son ... actually, I'm pretty sure I don't want to know to know the whole story here.

Anyway, in my excitement, I MWD in and warp jam young Rudi B. I open up a private convo and proudly scream, "GIVE ME YOUR LUNCH MONEY!!" (You have no idea how long I'd been waiting to say that and mean it).

I wait patiently. I'm sure he's just trying to process my request through a haze of Blue Pill and Minmatar fetish porn.

And then I wait some more. After a while, I stopped waiting (besides, what is he going to give me? A half-eaten stripper and a home tattoo kit?) and I blow his ship. Bizarrely, he doesn't stop mining the whole time. At first, I thought that he was AFK, but then I remembered that he ACCEPTED my request for a private chat. Clearly, not the most cunning of foes.

Sorting through the trash that he considered cargo, I found an even more puzzling array of loot. Apparently, Rudi was not only a Caldari who hung around Gallente space in a Minmatar ship. He was also fond of Amarr energy weapons. Truly, I had stumbled upon a cosmopolitan soul. As I scratched my head, I grabbed a frequency crystal as a memento and moved on.

After a break in the station, I go out looking again. Amazingly, Rudi is back at it. This time, he's in his freebie Ibis. Once again, the fact that blaster rounds are bouncing off his hull fails to distract him from Barely Legal Brutor Babes 5. However, before I can make the kill, a new player arrives on the stage.



Yeah, my former carebear instincts kicked in when I saw the flashing red bar. Besides, I'm not feeling badass enough to fight this guy to decide who gets to kill Rudi the Drug-crazed Porn Junkie. "He's all yours," I say as I fire up my engines. Moments later, I recieve confirmation that Rudi has gone to the big clone vat in the sky. As I settle into my safespot, I look more closely at Leikeze's info panel. "Uber carebear"? Clearly, he and I have radically different definitions of "carebear".

Actually, Leikeze appeared to be a pretty okay guy. He and I swapped ideas for a little while. He even invited me to come to a planet so we could tear into each other. However, I'm out here to make a profit, not to put notches in my belt.

After another break and a bit more hunting, I came across Contestant #2:



Look at that beautiful new Retriever. Mining barges are definitely the fat, juicy plums of piracy. Expensive ship, expensive modules and it's made of beer cans. This is going to be good.

Once again, I lock him down, open up a private convo and state my demands. Once again ... no response. Does EVERYBODY go retarded when they turn their mining lasers on? Oh well, time to shoot some beer cans.

It as then that I realized that something was wrong. My rockets weren't ... rocketing. They were just hanging in space, not moving from the place they were fired. The only weapon that was doing any damage was my blaster. Serves me right for buying discount rockets from that shifty Intaki gun runner.



Fortunately, my blaster was enough, and Rrenton's flying golden scrap pile became a non-flying scrap pile. Better yet, I finally had my first piece of pirate treasure.



I wasn't even bothered by the fact that the other strip miner and 2 named cargo expanders were destroyed. I was doubly amused when Rrenton finally decided to respond to my convo request.

"What goes around comes around," he warned me darkly
"Hey, want to buy a slightly used Strip Miner?"

He didn't.

Ending Balance: 1,952,201,000
Victims: 2
Security Status: 2.9